if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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