Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
