I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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