I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Randomize
