the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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