Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I need moral support for this bender
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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