How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
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I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
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Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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