The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
