my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
