Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Randomize
