Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
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