these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
