I'm drive I can fine osifer
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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