Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
