so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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