i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
