Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
