I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
