I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
