Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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