Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
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