I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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