her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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