I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
