shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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