Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
