Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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