I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Randomize
