I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
