Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
