I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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