non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
