i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
