Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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