Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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