Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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