omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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