Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
