As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
