ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
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