The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
