sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
