Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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