I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
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