i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
