i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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