i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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