Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
