How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
