The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Randomize
