You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
