I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
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