Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
whose parrot is this?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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