so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
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