My friends, they love my intelligence
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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