'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
