You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
