I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
