He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
